I lost myself for love

In the recent film in the long Rocky series, Balboa hands down a piece of advice to his son that accurately portrays life. He states, “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life, but it ain’t how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward.”

From personal experience, I can testify that at times, life hits you hard when you least expect it. Throughout my high school years, I was at the order of a person whom I grew close to. We met in middle school and our friendship flourished from there. As we moved into high school, we grew closer and closer. People in our classes would think we were a couple because of the way we acted toward each other.

I was there for this person time after time, never thinking twice about helping my friend.

We grew so close to the point where we would get each other gifts for Valentine’s day, birthdays and Christmas; we even met on our separate vacation trips to Mexico. We knew everything about each other and we would not keep secrets. We met each other’s families and shared many memorable moments together. Sometimes being this person’s friend would force me to stop talking to my other friends.

I grew apart from people to spend more time with her. I would go above and beyond for her, and I did not care. I was a fool in love is the best way I can describe my actions.

I was happy. This person had become my best friend, a term I do not use. I never thought this person would change so much after high school, especially after expressing my feelings toward them. How could a person I was close to  and did many things for not feel the same way? Did I waste my time trying to prove my worth to someone that didn’t deserve it, or was I just not good enough? This is where I lost myself.

I resorted to seclusion to hide my shame and pain. I decided to turn my back on the world.

I went to a dark place, a place where I did not  express emotions or socialize with anyone. I stopped talking to people who once considered me their friend. I kept myself busy with work and school so that I would not have to think about it.

Two years after high school our paths crossed again. Instead of telling her how I felt, I acted like nothing was wrong and it killed me inside. That same year, we talked again. At the time, I did not know that would be our last time speaking. We talked over a social media website. The message she sent was to inform me that she was married and expecting a child.

Instead of holding a grudge, I rolled with the punches and replied politely with false excitement.

I have always wondered why she would go out of her way to inform a person from her past about her future. This sent me in an even faster downward spiral.

I don’t know how I eventually came to forget about this person. I  guess all it takes is for you to sit and drink with friends in a car and be forced to truly express your bottled-up emotions.